Elucidation

When I'm ready for something new and prodigious,
I will say to you:
"I'm scared, yes, but please let me go."
When I want a moment to myself,
I will say harsh words
And try to make you want to leave
So I don't have to tell you that
I want you to go.
When I need you to stay with me
I will speak in riddles
Or say nothing at all
In an attempt to make you want to stay
And figure me out.
When my love for you overflows
I will say to you:
"I'm feeling great today"
Even when I'm on the verge of tears
Because I don't want you to worry
Or hurt because of me.
When you criticize me
I will close my mind to logic
And hurl every ridiculous counter at you
And pretend and pretend that you're wrong
Even if you're very right
And pretend I didn't hear you
Even though the words still ring in my ears
Because I can't stand to think that
I messed up and failed to make you smile
And made you think of bad things instead.
When I am feeling abject
I will whisper sadly,
"Maybe someday he will love me."
When I am strong and know I can do anything
On my own strength alone
I will be saying,
"I don't want a boyfriend."
When I am unmoving and silent,
Inside I am anything but--
my mind is spinning and closing in on itself so violently
That I can't think what to do or say
Beyond "breathe in, breathe out, try not to cry."
When you ask me to do something and I hesitate,
I am not saying
"I will not do it";
I am really saying
"I am so scared that I will fail if I try."
When you say "I love you" and I say "Really?"
I am not joking around; I really need to hear it again
In order to reassure myself.
When you are crying and I am angry,
It is myself I am angry at, because I should be able to
Prevent you from being sad always.
When I say my home is depressing
It's because I must remind myself
Of the Bigger Picture.
When just looking at you gets me grinning,
It's because you reminded me of something good.
When I'm clearly trying too hard to please you,
It's because I want looking at me
To bring you good memories, too.
Believe me when I look in your eyes and say
"I love you, you know"
because I would never say it
If I didn't mean it
With all of my heart.