Untitled

There's just no more poetry left in me.
I hate failing at everything and I hate being hated my my mom and I hate fighting with my sister and I hate who I am and how hard it is to change so I can become someone better.
And I just want to go to sleep until this weekend. And maybe then things will be okay once I leave this place, and I will have one of the most spectacular nights of my young life.
Maybe I'll get my poetry back.

I want to be back out in the rain.

Philasande

Baby girl, my little girl--
I fear you'll never really be mine.
Baby girl, my little girl--
I've left you alone for all of this time.
I could make up excuses, but babe
It could have been.
If I'd tried hard enough, I could have come
To see you again.
Baby girl, my little girl--
They say you never laughed at all.
Baby girl, my little girl--
I hope you still sing
The way I recall.
I might have made a difference, I think--
Do you remember me?
I wonder if you ever, just briefly
Maybe see my face in dreams.
Baby girl, my little girl--
Six years old and not getting younger.
Baby girl my little girl--
Wanting to see you, like a burning hunger.
I'll find my way back to you, babe
If it's the last thing I do.
You gave me life, humming and smiling
And I'm ever grateful to you.

Long-Distance Something

One of these days I'm either going to have to
Disappear from your life
Fall in love with you
Or break your heart, probably.
Distance, words...
Weird.
This is
making my
head
spin.

Random Thought

Why do exceptional and unexceptionable mean the same thing?

Little Paper Box

What I need to find for myself
Is a little paper box.
I've mulled over the options in my head,
And I decided on a little paper box.
I'm not sure where to find one,
But maybe if I search
The basement and the walk-in closet
I'll find my little paper box.

In the end I couldn't seem to find
A little paper box
So I'll sit here and make one--
Just a little paper box.

And you'll see me tomorrow
With a little paper box
Occasioning an extra poem--
Yes, just a little paper box.

Looking In

From what I can tell, she saw him standing there
And he was as he always is
And she'd never seen anyone like him before
But that's not when she fell in love.

In my imagination, he was looking for a confidante
And there she was, like she'd heard his mind calling
And there was something novel yet familiar about her
But that's not when he fell in love.

I didn't see it, but I think maybe she was discontented
Not deeply or profoundly unhappy, but missing something crucial
And as she learned about him, he was that crucial something
And that's when she fell in love.

I can only speculate, but it was probably much more than opportunism
Because after all, feeling empty without explanation was tearing him up inside
And the more she spoke, the clearer it was that she was like an angel for him
And that's when he fell in love.

Whatever It Is, It's Inspiring

You are making me wish things regardless of setbacks
You are making me wish things regardless of doubt
You are making me wish things regardless of nature
You are making me wish things regardless of pain

You are making me wish I'd known from the beginning
You are making me wish I'd not fallen so far
You are making me wish I had heard them all talking
You are making me wish I had never withdrawn

You are making me wish to become more worthwhile
You are making me wish to start worrying less
You are making me wish to lose all my bad habits
You are making me wish to do things for myself

You are making me wish it with steadfast allegiance
You are making me wish it with your offhand jokes
You are making me wish it with haphazard kindness
You are making me wish it with constant assent

You are making me wish that soon things will start changing
You are making me wish that you'll smile at me
You are making me wish that I'll be alright out there
You are making me wish that I'll have no regrets

You are making me wish for the ultimate future
You are making me wish for some enduring joy
You are making me wish for it with or without you
You are making me wish for the life of my dreams

Heaven?

You exist for the sake of example,
Baby girl in India.
I'm sure you exist,
But if I invented you, I'm sorry.
In my defense, I theorized a happy ending for you.

Blank Mark

It's actually not unfortunate that I spent so much time undermining the system.
It's almost like I belonged there
In that situation or persona
Or both
So maybe I am a secret agent or a ninja or
Just a juvenile delinquent.
I still maintain that it saved me time and trouble.

How Clear?

This badge I'm wearing is not made of crystals;
It's made of my desire to be you.

Plea

Don't you see?
You see, don't you?
Everyone Is Falling Asleep Because They Can't Bear To Be Awake Anymore.
You have to believe me:
Everything is going to decay if things don't start changing Now.
Why are you staring at me like that?
The words that are coming out of my mouth are Important, but you can't tell because your mouth is open.
Something's gonna slip in through that gaping mouth and take hold of you.
You need to be caring for this world!
You need to be Appreciating enough to Change Something.
You could be a catalyst!
But your mouth is open and your eyes are out of focus
Because you're still not interested in these people and these words and the Sleeping and the world you live in(which is starting to crumble by the way!) and it's not good or right or helpful.
Let's Stop Pretending That We Can Just Sleep Forever.
Hasn't someone tried that before?
It didn't work, did it?
If I hear them crying even One More Time, I'm going to start breaking down,
Just Like The Earth Under My Feet!
I'm standing!
I don't want to be one of the ones lying down!
I won't be a part of the undoing.
I'm going to stand always
Unless I'm Lying Down In Front Of Your Wheels
To prevent you from rolling your ignorance all over this former paradise people bled and cried to make!
You are so unaware that soon we all will be because(can't you tell by now?) Everyone Is Falling Asleep.
Yes, even the ones who gave everything for this place because they Wanted something Better.
It will end and you have to be able to say, for your sake and mine(I want you to be able to say it!) that you didn't fall asleep or just stand watching it happen
With that gaping void of an open mouth emitting no protest!
If my words reach you now, since your eyes seem to be showing some recognition now,
Please Start Shouting The Same Words You Hear Me Scream Out.
Because it's not too late yet!
But it will be if you don't start Acting.

Employee of the Month, I Swear.

Poor Mi-chan slaves away over an open flame at 42%.
I usually have an image of her working very hard in my mind.

Upstairs Power Surge; Subsequent Outage

I'm pretty sure I never
Ever
Want to hear anything
About this theory again
But maybe
I'll change my mind
Once I get some sleep.

"I Just Don't Get It"

When I heard that girl say that
And then her "minion" echoed her
I just got to thinking that
Maybe girls like that exist
Just to prove a point
About humanity.

I Think Sometimes I Cry In My Sleep

Chaos.
The utter chaos of it is what bothers me most
Because
I can't even decide what to say
And if I could, can't control whether or not
The phantom that is half-me
And half speculative creation
Will say what I need her to.
The chaos
Is around me on all sides
A typhoon that is tearing apart
Everything
That I trusted to be there
And to be right
Always
And it's all broken into so many little pieces
And I am in despair.
The chaos
Shows no mercy for me
Until I am allowed to wake
And bask in the relief
Of reality;
To see no remnants of the chaos
Except for those black marks on my pillow
From the mascara I neglected to wash off
Those black marks that make me wonder
If maybe I cry in my sleep.
But this time was different, you see
And before I awoke, the chaos itself was
Torn to little pieces
Starting with the catalyst that was
Those little black letters
Telling me that saying everything was okay
Was not going to work; a cracking, faulty mask
But that
Everything was going to be okay for real
With time
And patience.
And reading those little black letters
And then speaking them aloud so they filled the room
Made the chaos dissipate
And it could not touch me
Because she is the light.
Her name, which in itself speaks love
Is more powerful than the chaos that challenges the sleeping me
And so I suppose
Must be more powerful
Than the waking world's chaos too.
And it really will be okay
If we can be the light
I hers and she mine.

My Boys

My boys, you are masters of your art
You are spending your days so vividly
Being so alive and human
Creating a place in the world for yourselves
Where there is real, thickly tangible being
Being boys
Being eccentric
Being eccentrically you, the boys I look forward to
Being the ones I call my boys
Whether you know it
Or get it or approve of it
Or not
You are the masters of the show I watch
The selection I slip in to play my part in
And I would have been a permanent victim to all the rest
Long ago
If not for you, my boys
Because you have it down
Have developed a finesse
And a deftness for what you do every day
The distinct
Animatedness
And the spirit with which you, my boys
Remain
Vital
In multiple senses of the word.

Dry Spot

I have just hit one.
Please come back to me, my muse.

Reply to a Couple o' Days Ago: Got it!

Fixation!
That's it; that's the word I've been looking for.
Thank you so much, Allie.
I have an odd fixation with my hair.

Clichés

Makes my heart race.
I could just die.
Conquers all.
Feel like I'm lighter than air.
Beating like a drum.
In a daze.
"Furareta."
Is blind.
A shooting pain in my chest.
Not knowing where to turn.
Is like a rose.
As if I'm dreaming.
Overflowing with happiness.
The reason for my smile.
Beet-red.
Gives me something to look forward to.

Aye

I think I should probably tell you
That I have a
Hair complex
And there's another word I've been trying to remember
But can't
Like...
I have a weird ____ with my hair.
I can't for the life of me remember what goes in the blank.
But it's kind of like an unhealthy attachment
Almost like an obsession, but that's not quite it...
Anyway, I hate my hair and I love my hair
And I worry about it all the time
And I wouldn't have to if I didn't have this weird condition
But
That kid just had to say something years ago that
Sent my head spinning
About my hair color
And then my hair in general
And now I can't shake it
This ____ I have with my hair.

Hopeful

I am convinced that
I love you more than anyone.
Otherwise, why would I care about your opinion
Above anything and everything else?

I convince myself
I hate you more than anyone
Because even though you know my good side, my bright side
You still have no sympathy for me at all.

Today, though my voice quivered
I stood my ground before you
I looked into your eyes, and I told the truth
I said, "I'm constantly afraid of what you'll think of me."
I don't know if you really listened, but maybe...
I'm hopeful.

Years of failing, collapsing under the pressure
Of being the weird one, being pathetic
And you, always pushing, shouting, shaking my shoulders
To get your message through
While I made myself emotionally dead
So I wouldn't have to feel your disappointment in me
And after all that
You finally said today
That it's okay if the bad, weak side of me
Doesn't disappear right away.
You said you knew it wouldn't
And that I'd have to work through it
And that it was okay.
And I'm sure you don't know how much that means to me
Because that's what I've been wanting to hear for years.
I want to be okay with you.
By that, I mean I want me, me as a person
That girl standing before you trying not to cry
So scared of what you'll think
And hoping you mean it when you say you'll wait for me to get better
...I want that girl to be okay with you.
I want you to look at her without that melancholy behind your eyes.
I want you to look at her and think of good things and feel happy,
Not worry and wonder if she'll fail again this time.
That's what I want more than anything in the world.
And now I'm hopeful.

Untitled

I really have a thing for
These little conversations
I wish that I could bring more
To our collaboration

This world that we've created
Where there's nothing but words
Can not be infiltrated
By any but us nerds. <3

Do Something

When I get to thinking about you
Feeling how I feel about you
I really feel like doing something about it.
Doing something big about it.
But I probably won't do anything about it
for some time yet.