Hopeful

I am convinced that
I love you more than anyone.
Otherwise, why would I care about your opinion
Above anything and everything else?

I convince myself
I hate you more than anyone
Because even though you know my good side, my bright side
You still have no sympathy for me at all.

Today, though my voice quivered
I stood my ground before you
I looked into your eyes, and I told the truth
I said, "I'm constantly afraid of what you'll think of me."
I don't know if you really listened, but maybe...
I'm hopeful.

Years of failing, collapsing under the pressure
Of being the weird one, being pathetic
And you, always pushing, shouting, shaking my shoulders
To get your message through
While I made myself emotionally dead
So I wouldn't have to feel your disappointment in me
And after all that
You finally said today
That it's okay if the bad, weak side of me
Doesn't disappear right away.
You said you knew it wouldn't
And that I'd have to work through it
And that it was okay.
And I'm sure you don't know how much that means to me
Because that's what I've been wanting to hear for years.
I want to be okay with you.
By that, I mean I want me, me as a person
That girl standing before you trying not to cry
So scared of what you'll think
And hoping you mean it when you say you'll wait for me to get better
...I want that girl to be okay with you.
I want you to look at her without that melancholy behind your eyes.
I want you to look at her and think of good things and feel happy,
Not worry and wonder if she'll fail again this time.
That's what I want more than anything in the world.
And now I'm hopeful.